Pillows

Hi. I’m a respected star of some kind whose opinion matters because lots of people want to touch their crotches to mine. I know everybody thinks highly of pillows. However, new studies are being done which show evidence of spinal destruction caused by decades of pillow use. Here is what Dr. Shump Dunglegonk has to say on the matter:

Hi. I done studies about why pillows can really hurt spines big time. Turns out, they can. We scientists call this a huge deal cuz spines matter a whole bunch, like for example, being able to run with. We talked to this one guy named Bill who got big spine pain, and he said he was in tremendous spine pain on account of “all them damn pillows.” Now how can you say no to Bill? Poor guy’s got a huge problem with a painful hurting spine that keeps him up at night, screaming.

Yes, that was me. I am Bill. Those were the days! But, before I was Bill with horrible spine pain, I was just a normal guy with a normal back and spine. Now I’m a big star, but my spine was destroyed by years of pillow use. Every night, sometimes several times a day, I would get horizontal on a cushioned surface large enough to fit my unusually sexy and awe-inspiring celebrity form. On top of the cushioned surface would be the awful pillows. Horrible horrible bastard jerks of mean fluff. The pillows were to provide a level of comfort which exceeded even the softest cushioned surface, or so I was lead to believe by the media. I used those pillows for decades of my life, not knowing my spine was slowly being turned into a pile of useless disgusting sludge.

The pillow studies are relatively new, and no glaring conclusions can be made yet, but I know in my heart that these soft bags of terror cause great harm over time. I’m a stunning great cool star with sex appeal so my feelings and ideas matter more than the typical boring guy who very few people want to touch. Trust me, pillows really suck a lot and are evil jerkwads. If you have to, run away from your pillows, or burn them and make sure they don’t rise again from the ashes.

Please share this message with everyone you care about, or you will have 7 years of bad luck finding love.

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~ by josephmchugh on April 30, 2013.

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